i love life but it's complicated.

-julie tseng.

"How will I ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?" - Simon Bolivar.

--

Is love alive?

--

I just realized, as I was listening to 'Winter Song', a gorgeous duet by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, that winter's almost here again.

It's weird how much has changed within a year, isn't it?

Almost scary.

- julie tseng.

... i love him.

1. crazy twins
2. eggs and bacon
3. ipod and headphones
4. a sandwich, poutine, etcpeople permitting
5. batman and robin
6. lions
7. thing 1 and thing 2
8. angel and devil
9. sherlock holmes and watson
10. tom and jerry
11. peter pan and wendy
12. cat and dog

possibilities for me and nathan's halloween costume.

it will be epic.

that is all.

-julie tseng.

i've started to have this one daydream.

my friend's b-day bash, right? she recently changed the theme from superheroes to black and white (i.e. formal-ish wear).

well, here's where my imagination led me. story style, since I'm obviously in the mood.

p.s. why do i deal with people's crap?

--

"Ah, fack," Ace said to herself.

It was already bad enough that she was going to a party with a lot of people she didn't really know, but now, it was a black-and-white event. Which meant she had to look relatively cleaned up as well.

A few seconds later, another message appeared Ace's Facebook inbox.

Clicking it and reading it in a matter of seconds, Ace doubled back and re-read the message several times, and then groaned. It was impossible now.

"Hey guys!

To spice things up, I decided to add one more thing to my requirements list. A date is a MUST HAVE. I don't care if this person's already on the guest list or if you bring 'em in from Zimbabwe, you've got to have a date, kay? :)

- Riss

P.S. No date = no entry."

Already beginning to debate changing her 'Attending' response to a 'Not Attending', the phone rang right on cue. Ace winced before picking it up, knowing that her best friend had probably also just received the messages, and was already on her way to annoy Ace into agreement.

"You're still going. I mean, the date thing will be hard, but you're still going."

See? Even she knew it would be hard.

As if she'd read her mind, the best friend (whose name is Dev (short for Devonny) by the way), spoke again.

"Not because you're ugly. Because you'll kick, bite and scream at him unless he's got a hold over you already."

"Dev! It's a black and white event too! I have nothing to wear to something like that."

"But your sister does."

"Doesn't mean she'll lend it to me," Ace said cautiously, although most likely, her older sister would.

"Yeah, don't even try that on me. But about the date predicament, well, we still have a week. I'll help you, kay? Don't worry about it. And don't set your response as 'Not Attending' or 'Maybe Attending'. Or I'll whoop you."

You see, not only did Dev read minds, she kicked butt too. Hard.

Sighing, Ace hung up the phone after they said their good bye's, and stared long and hard at the messages in her inbox. Attempting to shake off her worries, she shook her head lightly and tried to think about something else.

And then, he messaged her. Ace groaned. More trouble.

After saying 'hey' back, Jon immediately launched into a complex explication of the latest rift that had happened between him and his bandmates. Rolling her eyes and looking away, Ace got distracted by something else and tuned out the incessant blinking of his conversation box. When she actually did say something ("why?"), he replied with, "well, I would tell you but it's hard since you keep interrupting :P"

Why did she even bother? Ticked off, Ace changed her personal message to 'gah!' in childish anger.

Ace got up and went to get herself some consolation food (Ben & Jerry's coffee flavoured ice cream, yum!) and when she sat back down, two conversation boxes were blinking. One was Jon's (she closed it without a second thought) and the second one was...

Edmund. Edmund Hale.

Ace's eyes widened. Why the heck was he messaging her?!

Breathing a few times, she clicked on the box.

"Hey," it read, innocently enough. Biting her lip, she replied.

"hey," Ace replied.

"what's up?" he asked, two minutes and twenty three seconds later. Not that she was keeping track. Her heart began to beat faster, and she hadn't felt this vulnerable since she confessed to Ryan Erikson that she had a crush on him way back in fifth grade.

"nothing. you?"

"same. well, actually," there it was, the actual reason why he was messaging her. It was probably because he had a message to pass on from his mom, who was friends with her mom as well. "could you tell your mom that the volunteering thing they have has been changed to next week? actually, just tell your mom to call my mom."

"got it." Ace replied, surprisingly, with periods, and not much cheer. A small lightning bolt then struck her in the head. What about Edmund as a date?!

And then, another bigger lightning bolt struck the idea out.

Edmund Hale was a Taiwanese boy who was unusually tall and looked half caucasian, although he really wasn't. His mother had remarried a millionaire when he was small. He went to a private school, hung out with rich people and would become a polished member of the society soon enough. Why on earth would he want to have anything to do with Ace, whom he'd known since his childhood, and who'd probably always creeped him out a little?

Plus, Edmund always seemed to shy away from the girl, wherever they were. After feeble attempts at becoming best buddies, Ace gave up and shied away from him too, unless she had sudden bursts of confidence. But those usually went down the drain very, very quickly after talking to him.

And then, lo and behold, another message.

"you okay? I see your personal message. and you're not as... cheery as you usually are."

Ace raised an eyebrow. He noticed? Well, she didn't blame him. When she talked to him, which was rare, she usually used exclamation marks once every other sentence.

"just a little bit frazzled."

Ace hit the enter button before she could think the whole thing through. She stared at her own words. Frazzled? Who said frazzled anymore? She hit herself on the head, earning a weird look from her mom.

"why? boyfriend troubles?"

"haha, no way, I'm too ugly to get a boyfriend." Ace couldn't believe she was saying all this. "but there is a boy getting on my nerves. he tells me he needs to talk to someone, and then says this long story, and I say one little word and he says,

Jon says: well, I would tell you but it's hard since you keep interrupting :P"

"wow, he sounds like a real gentleman," Edmund said. Was it really Edmund? Ace began to question in her head. It sounded much more like his older sister, who was much nicer. "ignore him. there are nicer guys out there. tell him to man up."

"haha, thanks, I will..."

Edmund was perceptive, even if he couldn't see her face.

"is there something else bothering you?" he said.

"agh, yeah." Ace paused. "my friend's having this party, a sort of end of the summer bash, and it's a black and white event, which means I'll have to borrow something from my sister and look like an idiot. and then, as if it can't get any worse, I have to find a date too."

For an agonizingly long five minutes, he didn't say anything. Ace clicked on Firefox, effectively hiding his conversation from view. She didn't want her heart to jump out of her chest when she saw that he was writing something, if he ever wrote anything back.

And then he did. Ace made herself wait for a minute before clicking it, her mind rushing through a bunch of different thoughts. Would he offer to be her date? God, that would be just too good.

"oh, haha, lol," he'd said.

Ace had never felt so disappointed. Well, maybe she had, but at the moment, this was the most disappointed she'd been for months. All because of a pompous snivelling little--

"I'm sure you'll look fine, and that you'll find a date. :)"

Ace couldn't help but smile.

"thanks man." And then, she typed the unthinkable. "I might have to make you my back up plan though, baha."

Before she could think that through, she pressed the enter button instinctively.

Shit.

Her face began to heat up like a Hot Pocket in the microwave. What had she just done?! A perfectly good conversation, now ruined by her idiotic impulsive words. In sum, ahh, crap. Maybe he just won't see it.

"haha, we'll see, but I'm pretty busy this week and next."

Ahh, slightly less mortifying than, "uh, no." Ace breathed a sigh of relief and quickly said goodbye, putting herself as appear offline just as Jon said, "you there?"

Ace re-read the whole conversation a few times. She couldn't believe that she'd actually had a more or less civil conversation with the boy. Usually, they were one-sided, mostly her talking and rambling about nothing, him answering, a lot like the situation with Jon but reversed and a little less drastic. This time seemed different. He saw her calmer (or panicked) side, and hopefully would remember that one over the crazy two in the morning her.

With newfound confidence, Ace copied and pasted the conversation into a message and sent it to Dev to read, and happily skipped off to give her mom the message.

--

i've been back for... 12 days.

I haven't posted yet until now because it just really sunk in that I'm not in Taiwan anymore.

That summer is about to end, and it's coming fast.

I don't know, things are just like that right now.

Other than that, addicted to the band Super Junior. Donghae is probably my favourite. Siwon is really cute though.

... I did come back really fobby, eh?

- julie.

expect not many posts this coming month and crap.

tomorrow night, I leave for Taiwan. I'm excited, yet another side of me kind of doesn't want to leave.

I love life here, it's comfortable and safe and --

I don't know, it's just that I'm going to miss it, obviously.

--

today, I went to a pool party! it was fun, it was at rachel mo's. we ate a lot and stuff, talked, all that crap. took underwater pictures, baha, those were cool.

after that, I came home, chilled with my brother a little, and then at 7:20, went to see Amber Chase, i.e. Kevin Costa's band. They were pretty good. random (but one of them was good looking) guys started dancing to their encore song and it was pretty funny.

after, we saw a brown metal band, a crappy emo-punk-ish band, and another band whose vocalist was missing (Drop Everything!), but the guys replaced the girl and they did pretty well in my opinion. Their new band will be called The Front. I think they've got potential.

Lily and Branden are going out--didn't know that!--and I met Randy Pena, though he didnt know my name, who's going out with Emily. They're super cute together. Felt a little fifth wheel though.

Also hung out with Alex (Chemji), Ryan Smith, Kevin Costa and, of course, Troy.

decided not to stick around for Killer Green. meh.

while walking to chapters, I thought a lot. The Academy Is... blasting in my ears, it felt sort of, bittersweet I guess. I kinda felt weird about the whole couples thing. it made me feel like I'm behind or something--now i know why sonia makes up boy stuff. or DID make up boy stuff.

I don't know, I guess it's just weird.

and today I felt so self conscious-- argh. I should just stop thinking about it for now.

after all, I'm leaving tomorrow, and still don't have half of my luggage packed (the stuff that'll be coming with me on the plane).

--

piano recital tomorrow, and then coming back home for those last minute preparations. note to self; if need to calm down, just do some theory. that shit calms you down right away, which makes me feel like there is something deeply wrong with me.

but I guess there's something wrong with everyone, right?

:P

--

i'm such a fool.

--

-julie.

two things. one, a meme that I stole from simonexsays, who i finally got around to adding on LJ, yay! two, some angsty writing. ooookay? :D

ABOUT
01. Name: Julieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - 14 e's.
02. Birthday: August 9th. 
03. Where do you live: Earth. It's fun here.
04: What are you studying/What are you working as: people? LOL, no, I'm in high school but I do observe people.
05. What makes you happy: music, writing and a really good story.
06. What are you listening to now/have listened to last: Don't Let Me Fall - Lenka
07. An interesting fact about you: have scraped by left cheek at least 5 times.
08. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment: ... sort of.
09. Favorite place to be: home sweet home. or in my backyard, hanging with the birds.
10. Favorite lyric: uhh, for now, it's; "I wish I could just turn you on; put a battery in and make you talk; Even pull a string for you to say anything."
11. Best time of the year: Hard to decide. Right now, summer sounds awfully appeasing.
12. Weirdest food you like: stinky tofu. :D

RECOMMEND
1. A film: Good Bye Lenin!
2. A book: Paper Towns - John Green
3. A song: Mannequin - Katy Perry
4: A band: Brighten / The Maine

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me: Well, since I stole this from simonexsays, I LOVE  HER WRITING TO DEATH.
2. Two things you like about yourself: ... that's really hard.
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you? :D please!

--

Everything is falling out of place. Everything is going wrong. Your breath hitches, you feel like you can't breathe, air has been sucked out of the room. Your eyes widen just a little bit, your mouth drops just a little bit, your nerves tense just a little bit, your fingers twitch. You can't move, your body has glued itself to the ground and refuses to let you move. It knows. It knows you'll fall over, you'll break if you do. It knows you have to watch.

Your heart skips a beat, you will it to calm down but it doesn't it just keeps beating beating beating. You want to swallow but your body isn't letting you it forces you to stay to watch.

You were just, just turning the corner, just going to where you were supposed to be, just doing what you were supposed to be doing. And then this, this huge mess, this disaster appeared before you, and this stopped your world from turning, you from functioning.

It wasn't fair. Not fair how much one tiny miniscule thing can be so, so huge, so engulfing, so daunting, so greedy. Not fair how this little push could send you to the edge, teetering so dangerously that you'd swear you were falling.

Before you know it, you really are falling. You can't see the ground, you can't anticipate the pain, can't do anything about it, and when it ends, you want it to end quickly, cleanly, but things never happen the way you want them to.

You hit the ground. And, excuse my language, the shit hits the fan. The pain appears, sears, breaks and enters.

And it never goes away.

--

well, that wasn't morbid at all...

what's with me lately? been pretty busy with studying and crap. exams coming up. nervous. but I'll do fine I think?

life is just... weird. no other way to explain it really.

for now I'll just get back to studying. business exam tomorrow.

-juliee.

ever feel so alone that surrounding and immersing yourself in other people and things just doesn't work at all?

I do.

I feel shitty.

wish me luck.

-julie.

omg I can't do this. lately, I've just been freaking out about things. about everything.

I need to take a step back and calm myself, but I haven't gotten a chance AT ALL. I almost feel like throwing up because of all this pressure I'm putting on myself.

I know my parents aren't the kind to yell at me or anything if I get a horrendous mark (or at least, asian-horrendous mark), but still. I feel a need to be better than everyone else, probably since from a young age, I've always had that notion; that I was 'better' than everyone else.

now, everything is evening out. all of these abnormalities are being ironed out, and I find myself just as flat and dull as the rest of the world.

I don't want to be! I don't think anyone wants to be. but what do I do?

I am stressing like crazy and can't think properly. my body is tired all the time and I really need to relax, even my PIANO TEACHER sees this. my playing is reflecting my mood, and I walk around with an almost defeated walk... the days pass by and they're slow but fast, racing but taunting but dragging all at the same time. life is whirling around me and it's like a leaf, being blown by the wind, and I'm like a child who just learned how to walk, trying to catch it before it falls to the ground and is ruined.

I know. IT'S JUST GRADE NINE AND I KEEP REPEATING IT TO MYSELF BUT NOTHING IS JUST ANYTHING. IT'S SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT AND THAT'S WHAT I'M SCARED OF, THAT IF I FAIL AT THIS EVERYTHING ELSE WILL START TO FALL TOO.

life... I don't know how to look at it anymore. all at once, it's a box of chocolates, it's a painting, it's a movie, it's a book, it's a stack of post its, it's crutches, it's shoes, it's a jenga tower, it's a row of dominoes. that's what I feel like. like life is changing before my eyes into so many different things, and I'm afraid that I really can't keep up with it. I'm worried that i will accidentally knock something over, and that everything else will fall too. I'm afraid it's getting too worn out, too small for me, and that there aren't any other sizes, that I'll be uncomfortable forever in those shoes. I'm worried that I'm fully healed but I'm still holding onto this, I'm worried that it's just a flurry of notes and annotations in a book with nothing real and ntohing prominent. I'm so confused about everything and I'm waiting for it to solve itself, trying to solve it myself but nothing is working and that's what scares me the most.

I want to think that life is like math, that there's a set answer for most things and unknowns for others, with curves and positive and negative correlations, but things don't work out like that, do they? life is something in itself; it can't be compared to anything else because it comprises of more than just one thing, more than just two things, it consists of just everything everything everything everything.

I just need to slow down. I want the weekend to be here, this fucking assignment to be over and for things to be done.

I need this weekend, this summer more than anything. I just need things to be over.

eyeswideshut,

-julie.